German Memes Gothic
There is a new Till Schweiger movie. You do not want to see it, but you know what it is about. You always know.
Heidi Klum is on the television. Heidi Klum is in your city. Heidi Klum is in your house. Soon there won’t be any girls left to sacrifice to her.
Why is there thatch lying around? Why are you wearing a mask? You wonder.
Your family bonds have dissolved in discussions over the correct article for nutella. At dawn, you lay in a corner of your room whispering “Der… die… das…” to yourself. There is no answer.
A friend messages you. Joyfully, he writes “Ich trink Ouzo, was machst du so?”. You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re all alone.
There is no 20% on pet food. There never is. Has it ever been? No matter. It is not now. You will have to pay the price.
At night, you can hear your stuffed animals whisper things into your ear. “Alles bäm?”, they ask. A tear runs down your face. “Läuft”, you whisper back.
Everytime you look at your girlfriend’s face you wonder. Maybe she isn’t your girlfriend. Maybe she is Manuel Neuer. The uncertainty is slowly driving you insane. Coke Zero doesn’t taste like Coca Cola at all.
You wake up and look around you. There is cereal everywhere. But not any cereal. It’s Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher.
:/ It’s mocking you. You’re not going to watch this video.
You didn’t say “Schulz”. Everyone is looking at you. They are standing up now. You are as good as dead.
